Shame is not the currency of God. It is man, taking something of God, and making it toxic and destructive. God seeks to prick and awaken the conscience of people and this involves a certain amount of pain known as shame and embarrassment, sometimes a lot of pain. But God always gives a way through and out. God looks to humble us, and in humility there is great relief; it is a profound spiritual experience of deepening and softening our soul.
But Man in his selfish nature, and limited awareness, takes this process and condemns and holds control over others. All people have inclinations to evil, and all too often in the hands of people, shame becomes destructive and debilitating. Man doesn’t ‘humble’ but humiliates, and this becomes toxic in a persons system.
When we are children we usually do not have the awareness, experience or strength to protect ourself from difficult people; especially when it comes from our own parents. A person who is in pain and can’t face it and deal with it, cannot help but put it out on others and make them feel responsible. What one will not deal with in themself they consciously or unconsciously put on to others. Parents do this to their own children. A child is already in an intense struggle to get to know themself and who they are. They look to parents or someone to be a mentor that they can trust and that will help them to find strength.
Kids need to be corrected and taught, but in doing so it is good to correct the behavior but not condemn the person. Kids need to be mentored, they need to be able to trust. They need the parent or mentor to care enough to understand their nature as best they can, and to see and encourage the good in them. God can always be trusted, and knows us all through, and helps us to treat others well.
When it comes to shame we all have a little kid in us. When triggered we regress back to feeling of the mistreated kid.
The heart and mind of a child goes from one extreme to another; feeling intense love for the good parent one moment, and then murderous hatred for the bad parent the next. If the parent is unaware, in denial and can’t handle their own pain, they cannot help but put it in the child, and the child takes it in and tries to heal it so that they can feel Ok and ‘everything will be OK’. But it’s not OK; In the un-resourced child, shame, like a foreign species, tells them they are stupid, bad or weird because they made mistakes or failed in some way.
The Bible promises: “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1) In the flesh are all the motivations and justifications that come from hereditary evil; in the spirit there is trust and spiritual sight and intelligence from God. To the degree we have love for the Lord and centering in self awareness we don’t need to shame others, we have no desire to go there. Jesus told us not to judge others, to look at the splinter in our own eye. Bottom line – it is the evil in us that is willing to hurt others with shame or judgement. In a practical sense to not judge doesn’t mean we can’t discern and see things to a degree, but we don’t add on our desire to cause pain, and don’t claim what we don’t know. We realize God knows us far better than we know ourself or others, and when we do have to address the negative or discipline we do it with a desire to bring about a good result.
God gives us the ability and the liberty to restore our core self to wholeness. When the mob was ready to condemn and stone the adulterous woman Jesus said, “He who is without sin throw the first stone.” By this he shocked and awakened their conscience. And when they had all dropped their stones and gone He told the woman, “Where are your accusers?” She said, ‘they are all gone’, and he told her, ‘neither do I condemn thee, go and sin no more’. This woman could of been mired in toxic shame her whole life. Jesus has no intention to condemn anyone; He sees into our whole self and nature, and seeks to make us whole. We, in being humbled, have the opportunity to receive it and accept it, and humbly return to life restored.
Mary of Bethany seized the moment and burst into a dinner party Jesus attended with religious leaders. Mary – being on fire with love and awareness that Jesus is God – anointed Jesus’ hair with precious oil for his burial while he was alive. The important men around tried to reject and condemn her, but Jesus saw into her depths and received the whole of her. He said to the men, ‘She has never stopped kissing me since she came in, leave her be, what have you done for me?”. And He told Mary, “Because of the greatness of your love, though your sins are many, they are forgiven”. This shows that the fire of love, and awareness of truth, heals our soul and removes evil inclinations; it brings salvation. It is remarkable that Jesus sees into the whole nature of a person and shows the way to restoration. In these moments there is a bond that takes place between ourself and Him – and this is the treasure of life! He seeks for us liberty and inner peace, not the dead-end of self-condemnation and shame. We must be softened in our heart and body to be prepared to receive it. He knows when we are ready.
Hebrews 10:22: “Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.”
Feeling the energy of anger forces one to interpret its cause and in the process exposes the source of evil. This awakens in us the fighting spirit to know one self and God. Fighting for a personal relationship with God also means fighting to reawaken our capacity for affection, love, kindness, intimacy and joy.
“But how do I hide from God?” God knows everything about us, we hide from God when we don’t tell Him what’s in our heart, when we let shame shut is down, when we think we can solve everything by ourself. So ww don’t bother God, but He desires for us to take all our fears, emotions, and loves to Him. He says, “Cast all your care upon me”.