Happy Birthday Chris!
Today I am remembering birthday parties and the youthful fun you brought to our lives. My serious thoughts were broken up with your youthful shenanigans. The chaos in my heart was calmed by your quiet presence. I read a quote recently that reminded me so much of you – It was written in 1826 by Dinah Maria Craik, “Oh, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a a person: having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them out. Just as they are – chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” Thank you for loving me just the way I was and teaching me calm in the storm.
I remember one of the things that made me need you so much, was the laughter you brought into my life. The reminder of how much I loved to laugh and be stupid with another person. You showed me it was possible to live a life that mattered and to be stupid and goofy and childlike at the same time. What a gift!
What strikes me today, is in the last few years I have had more pain than laughter and as I heal, I am inspired by you. I want to laugh and be silly. I want to stop feeling I can’t do it without you, but to forge ahead, honoring your life and what you showed me was possible… That life can hurt and loss can threaten to destroy you, but its laughter, zest for embracing the child within regardless of your age, regardless of your pain… to laugh simply because you are still alive and you can.
Whether it was hog-tying a kid – our own or someone else’s – lol, making faces, hitting a kids piñata when the kids couldn’t crack it – hitting it so hard the pieces of candy tagged the cars thought to be parked safely out of harm’s way… smashing cake in each other’s faces and chasing each other at our kid’s birthday party or anyone else’s, these are the ways you brought life to my serious heart.
For the ever present twinkle in your eye, the shenanigans, the way you loved kids and puppies, your gentle way with horses and for smashing cake in my face…. for all of this and more…thank you. For teaching me life and joy is worth fighting for. For reminding me that a family needs each other to be whole and healthy and that it’s worth the fight to be healthy for each other… thank you. For continuing to inspire me…. thank you. And most of all, babe…. thank you for loving our kids and me they way you did.
I celebrate you with an ache in my heart and a gratitude beyond all gratitude that God made someone as amazing as you and that I was allowed to love you at all….I love you and hope heaven is throwing one heck of a party for a life well-lived. You earned it!
I love you….so much.